Kenyan concerts are always fun. The activities range from ratchet to normal while the types of people you meet range from normal to weird.
In the hundreds of concerts that I have attended, here are the kinds of people I have bumped into a lot:
1. The devoted boyfriend who is actually bored to death.
He thought it would be a great idea to tag his girl along but now he looks miserable because he can’t get loose. When he’s not holding a purse or rushing to get drinks, he’s pathetically accompanying his girlfriend in the front row, pretending to enjoy the godawful music. The poor guy might even have his shoulders used as a chair if his girl can’t see the stage. And when you accidentally touch his girl, he pretends to be John Cena or Connor Mcgregor, wanting to beat you up and show his girl that he’s the man.
2. The early casualties.
You’ll see them in the pits passed out randomly around the grounds, and it’ll only be halfway through the event. This is usually due to them being over-enthusiastic and not knowing their drinking limits. The passed-out fella probably promised himself he’d keep it together, but that whiskey was too heavy for them. Sleep tight!
3. The Goliaths that block your view of the stage.
Listen up big man. I know you didn’t choose to be 6’5, but I also didn’t choose to be 5’6, so please let me stand in front of you? Okay? The small person problem has never been so real, so unless you get to the concert early or are brave enough to sneak your way to the front, it may mean you could be looking at some tall person’s sweaty back for the next 3 hours. *Cries*
Photo by Michael Kovac/WireImage/HuffingtonPost
4. The social media reporter.
The hashtag warriors do their best to keep everyone posted on how artistes or deejays are #killingit. Sometimes #Juliani is #killingit. But other times, #Sauti Sol #killingit or Jua Cali is #MwotoSana. Either way, the social media reporter is on the case. Your number one source for all event coverage and performance reviews. The only problem with the social media reporter is that he/she has 48 Twitter followers. Reminds you of those market preachers. This is also the person whose phone gets stolen the most due to careless brandishing in the air.
5. The PDA couple.
They just can’t get a room. These two can often be found in a corner somewhere trying to lick the saliva out of each other’s mouths. They intermittently sway and kiss, sway and kiss until you want to kill them. Haha
6. The chimneys.
These type of people have been lurking around music festivals since the dawn of music festivals. They just can’t let their lungs rest. Whether it’s weed or shisha, they puff in and puff out like a colonial train.
Image: Kevin Ring
7. The guy who’s “really feelin’ it, man.”
At an event with hundreds of thousands of people, he’s somehow found the only patch of grass with 40 open yards of interpretive dance space in every direction. It might have something to do with the fact that there’s not even any music playing at that moment. But don’t tell him that. He’s high as a kite. You wouldn’t want anyone to see you talking to him.
8. The old guy who looks kind of lost.
Last seen silently shaking his head at “girls in miniskirts,” this grizzled veteran is now aimlessly roaming the grounds, trapped in a serene, albeit confusing fog of psychotropic drugs and funny clothing. He’s got plenty of great stories about how crazy these things used to be back in the day when Daudi Kabaka was the man with the groupies. He just needs someone who’ll listen, or a tree trunk that sort of looks like someone who’ll listen.
9. The drunk girl who doesn’t give a damn.
She’s bumped into you violently several times, burned a passer-by with her cigarette, and squeezed her way into a spot that didn’t exist, but don’t expect an apology. After the rest of her group see the ‘I am going to murder your friend’ look on your face they try to reason with her, but her lack of common social decency went out the window with her m0rals half a dozen beers ago.
10. The loner.
This guy probably hasn’t been to a lot of outdoor events. He’s probably fresh from high school or a campus nerd. All he does is stand and stare at people as if they are the first wave aliens that Nostradamus predicted. He probably got dragged into the venue by his more active friends who later dumped him to socialize with other people. The only decent activity he does is take selfies with celebrities.
11. The person that’s having the best night of their life.
You will meet this person. In the first row. Drenched in sweat. Weeping tears of joy. Shrieking at the top of his/her lungs. None of this behavior is drug-induced. They truly are having the very best night of their entire life.
12. That guy who doesn’t seem impressed at all.
There they are, crossing their arms and acting as if they are watching the weather forecast on TV – bored to death. Even if it’s their favorite artiste on stage, these people can’t get excited. They maintain the same posture as a doctor listening to a patient’s list of symptoms. If you’re paying for a ticket, you might as well muster up some modicum of excitement.
13. The criers and screamers.
This category is solely represented by ladies. They’ve loved that artist from day one, since their first single, and now several hit songs later they are getting to see them live. It’s exciting, but please don’t cry and scream like the world is ending. We just don’t know what to do. Do we offer a tissue? A hug?
Image: Meme creator
14. The pushers.
God help you if you didn’t eat ugali before that concert. You’re having a really great time, dancing the night away when suddenly, you get an elbow to the face, several pushes from behind and find yourself lost. This is fun if you’re strong and can stand your ground, but when you’ve just used up all the energy in dancing to the last five songs, two words come to mind…Help me!
15. The fans who butcher the lyrics.
Pray that the Bank Otuch guy doesn’t perform while these people are present. They sing along but with their own unintentionally remixed lyrics and it’s just……….
16. The land grabbers.
The land grabbers will take claim to a small piece of land early on at the concert. They will stay there from start to finish and bark at anyone who tries to come close.
17. The photographer taking non-consented pictures of you and everyone else.
Maybe you don’t want your significant other or parent to know you were at the concert, so you want no pictures. But some amateur photographer with a big camera will be snapping photos of you at every minute and posting them on social media.